Keeping the LOVE alive

Easier said than done for those who have been in a ‘committed’ relationship for quite sometime would understand what I am talking about and for those who have just kick started their relationship or are ‘planning’ too… don’t bother read this. It might skew your judgment towards not being in a relationship.

I started my relationship like how any movie starts off with excitement, romance, dreamy nights, love songs are all of the paraphernalia. Initially everything was an event. The first day we went in the bus together. The first day we walked together. Hell! Even the first time he waved at me was an ‘event’. That was centuries ago.

Reality check: All that happens in the first year of your ‘love’ is like the screensaver in your computer…lasts only for seconds the moment you snap back from your joy ride the sight is ugly!

Take me for the guinea pig, I have eaten chewed and swallowed the dark shades of love and I can vouch for it that the first year of your relationship is the only honeymoon period that you will have. After that follows those small fights then big fights then catastrophes (breaking of valuable items) are not such a pleasant sight to see or experience. Now I would get into the nitty-gritty’s of a relationship with the help of a ‘Relationship curve’.

Introduction : “You’re my life darling”, “I want to be with you ALWAYS”, ”Can’t wait to see you!”, “Your in my dreams everyday”,”No problem take your time I will wait”

Growth: “Who is this girl/boy your talking to?”, “Why dint you call me in the morning”, “Do you have to fight for EVERYTHING?”, “You never told me that!”, “You lied to me!”, “Could you make it fast”

Maturity: “We don’t have to ALWAYS be together”, “Do we have to celebrate EVERY anniversary?”, “I have a match today can we postpone our date?”, “You coming or should I leave”, “Feeling sleepy talk to you later”, “Do we have to go out today?”

Decline: “Things are not working out between us”, “Your such a creep!”, “You ruined my life”, “Why the hell did I meet you”, “I met this other girl/boy”

Well if you identify yourself with any of these stages you know where you’re going! Just kidding, though it all seems to take out that magic out of love it’s not all that bad.

There are some people in this world you cannot live with and cannot live without also.

Why am I so?

He says I am dominating, egoistic and not at all practical. It hurt me when I heard all this for the first time, never realized that I was actually letting him think like this about me. I don’t care I thought what he thought. I am what I am. But somewhere deep down it did matter. It mattered because slowly I realized that he were right.

I am a hypocrite I design a set of rules applicable to everyone else except me. I told my Prince charming never to get close to a girl but I had a lot of guy friends. I told him that he should always call me whenever he wakes up and goes to sleep but I whenever he did call I was busy. Small acts but it showed my attitude. I picked up fights with him for everything from the kind of clothes he wore to the number of girls he talked to (he talked to none). He tolerated all of this. Is this called love? Was it required for him to tolerate me? Many would have told that he was a sissy, did not know how to stand up for his rights. He did not mind he was a highly principled person always thought about what he did and never tried to do anything wrong intentionally. But I did not know what my principles were . I was a amateur then, did not know what I wanted out of a relationship. I was not satisfied and I handled it all wrong.

After six years when I reflect back on those years I realized that I have not changed much. Time for me had come to a standstill as far as our relationship is concerned. And it took a lot in me to actually introspect myself to admit that yes… I was trying to dominate him and I am egoistic. The ring of those two words in my head did not feel good. I felt like a horrible human being. The reason I felt I should never listen to a man is because from what I have seen men are all dominating they treat women like mere objects and nothing more so I did not want to fall in that trap I always wanted a say in our relationship I did not realize that not only did I have a say in our relationship I was the only one saying anything!

My sense of satisfaction came when I went against everything he said. If he told me to wear a white dress I would make sure I wore a red one. If he told me to tie my hair up I would always leave it open. Mental problem you feel… I think so too. Another immaturity of mine was when it was my turn to say sorry. As you might have guessed I never did. Admitting that I was sorry meant that I had to dethrone myself and that would mean that I am now vulnerable for someone to dominate me so I kept myself away from such confessions.

He saw my wrath ..saw my anger but he never witnessed the anguish I felt after I had a fight with him. He never saw those tears, never felt that pain and never experienced the insecurity I felt when he talked to girls. I was basically a coward trying to prove my might, trying to prove that I was worthy for him and not having a clue how to do it. Dominance to me came as an escape from all the vulnerability I felt inside and the sheer helplessness that tormented me.

I have come to terms with myself and now I make a conscious effort not to do it again but how far it has worked out I need to ask him. Do you think I will ask him? Nah!

He's Mine!!!!

I don’t know when this bug sets in but once your bitten by it your partner is in for a lot of trouble. I was like that once upon a time but I have grown out of it and it was not easy. When a person gets into a relationship it is not unusual that either the girl or the guy gets possessive if you ask me is it encroaching your freedom.. I would say no. I will explain the reason why.

I have always been someone who has been very self conscious and with a high dosage of feeling inferior so much so that I used to shirk away from talking to people. When my Prince Charming entered my life he was the first guy who spoke to me and it flattered me so much that I could not sleep the whole night. I kept wondering why it that he spoke to me of all people.

Then as our relationship progressed began all the trouble, I became very insecure and I mean really insecure! You will not believe the kind of atrocities I subjected him to. I know I would be trashing my image but I want you all to know and not to repeat what I did.

He loves computers, they are like his mistress. Once he is in front of them he switches off the rest of the world around him inclusive of me and to demonstrate my heights of insecurity I used to be jealous of computers.

It did not end there when he was studying for his post graduation I banned him from shaking anyone’s hand or giving rides on his bikes to any girl. That poor soul actually did all this not to hurt my feelings.

I did not want him to think, look or even take a girls name and I did not even let him speak to my own best friend.

Over time I have regretted and felt ashamed that we had to have umpteen number of fights over trivial matters like these and spoil our days but it was more out of insecurity than lack of trust in him. But no matter how much I justify my actions I was in the wrong.

When you’re in a relationship there must be ample amount of space for both the partners to do what they want and be how they want. Being in a relationship should not take away their personality or force upon them things they do not want to do in the first place.

He changed me, not through advising me or by going against me but by allowing me to reason out my actions in my own way and I did. I learnt that when you love a person you accept them the way they are and not the way you want them to be. I did that, I wanted him to be someone I had dreamed up somewhere in my mind and when he did not confirm to the person I conjured up I put restrictions on him.

Leave your partner to be how they want to be don’t impose rules or restrictions on them it would just make the relationship all the more harder and less enjoyable to be in. Enjoy their company, love their shortcomings and once in a while it would also help if you can think what you can do for them than thinking what they can do for you.

Be my Valentine

My ‘Prince Charming” has never been one of the most romantic guy I remember once long long time ago when it was Valentine’s Day….

Characters involved

Rita (My childhood friend)
Charles (Her going to be boyfriend)
Prince Charming (You know who he is)
Me! (the heroine for once!)

Rita: Wow! Today is Valentine’s Day! I am so excited! I wonder what he is going to get me.
(now these were the initial years when love was in the air but nobody had confessed to each other about their feeling …it was sorta implied that each of us were ‘going around’ with the other)

Me: Ya I know! It feels wonderful dosent it? Being in love…going out on dates…
(I was swinging around the room with joy)

Rita: Hmm the guys better confess today that they are madly in love with us…separately of course so that we officially become boyfriend, girlfriend…I have had enough beating around the bush..

Me: Nah! That would spoil all the fun..Just imagine you already know that the guy is in love with you…. I don’t know, I just feel it spoils everything.

Rita : Maybe your right…it takes the magic out of it..

(We got ready looking like princesses ourselves and went to meet our heroes, I was tingling with joy inside…itz weird when you are in love those initial days…your filled with so much of anticipation, childish fantasies..)

We meet at a restaurant, we chose a small one so that we won’t get noticed much. I sat with Prince Charming and Rita sat with Charles , at separate tables.

“What is he going to give me?” I wondered silently. I was hoping it would be romantic and wonderful. He looked handsome in his tee and pants he had also had on him an amazingly romantic perfume…everything was just so…perfect..

“This is what I bought for you” and he removed a half-crushed red rose and placed it on the table…I was quite taken aback this was not what I expected..atleast a few romantic words…or how beautiful I am looking …or how romantic the day is. In the movies it all sounds so easy so what was happening to me right now.

“I cant take the weight of this anymore…” Prince Charming mumbled looked slightly irritated. “What is it” I asked.

“This” he removed a box of chocolates and he kept it on the table and gave a look of gratification as if he had dumped the burden off his shoulders. Being the naïve and the sensitive person that I was, I was deeply hurt. “This is not how it should be” I kept telling myself as I walked out of the restaurant, “Is this how it should be?” I found myself asking Rita..she smiled , that dreaded smile which said “Oh! My friend don’t fret, not all guys are romantic”.

“hmmph” . so this is the guy I have been waiting all my life? Whose face I see in the moon, and whose dreams keep haunting me?

To hell with all the romantic flicks. Who the hell believes in them? Well I used too…long long time ago

To expect….is to destruct

We are going to celebrate our 6th anniversary 'together'. Never realized how time passed by so eventfully. My boyfriend has always been very different, I am still puzzled if I actually love him for that or hate him. Where I am the mushy mushy kind he hates public or private display of emotions (the romantic kind I mean). So getting back to one of our previous anniversaries I was all hyped about it and I meticulously planned the whole day from the time I got up to the time I went back to sleep and it was going to perfect…just perfect.

On that auspicious day I woke up early because I could not sleep the previous night , I wanted to be at my best. I styled my hair a thousand times and I keep gazing at myself till I felt the mirror might crack. I also had the perfect gift flowers and chocolates (I know its weird but who says only guys can gift em?) and I was on my way.

I wanted to surprise him but not actually surprise him if u know what I mean, I mean surprise him because he might not be expecting me so early but I did not want him to be completely surprised because I expected him to remember our anniversary … I mean who would forget such an important date, right?

I pressed the door bell expecting a surprise myself but my curiosity kept feeding when even after two three rings he didn’t open the door. I was just about to leave when the most horrific sight met my eyes.

I stared at him open mouthed as he stood in front of me all sleepy eyed and messy hair..he had not even woken up!. Tears stung my eyes as I stood there staring at his face, the flowers and chocolates felt so heavy that I just wanted to fling them at him.

“Hi” he mumbled wondering why I am staring down his throat in the wee hours of morning. I didn’t say anything I was still reeling under the shock.

“Do you remember what today is?” I enquired my voice quivering.

“ Aaaaaa” he said scratching his head and looking at me quizzically.

Ok, I thought that’s it! I had been humiliated enough. “Happy anniversary” I barked and thrust the flowers angrily to him and walked off. I did walk off in a huff but as I walked down the lane tears of absolute anguish wet my cheeks. “How could he do this to me?” I wondered. How could he forget that it was our anniversary? Is it not a time to celebrate? It was just beyond me as to why he would not make an effort to at least remember!

I cried the whole day and never attended any of his calls. All my plans went down the drain. I forgave him later but the same saga followed year after year including my yearly outburst. But not this year I did not plan anything for our anniversary in fact I have deliberately tried to forget when the date falls (if that is possible) ..no its not revenge its just that I feel I have pushed him enough to be what he is not, if he is not the romantic type then I should accept him that way.

That’s what love is all about isn’t it? To give with no expectations right?(Ya sure!)

I Still Remember the Day......

I had just joined college then, still playing Aunt Alice and still wondering where my Prince Charming was hiding. Thatz when it happened, just like in the movies, I saw someone dressed in black shirt and black pant (nope I did not think it was a bad omen). My heart was beating wildly now (was I having a heart-attack?).Suddenly I saw this person disappear around the corner, and I ran like I never did before….thatz when all those years of no exercise and too much of sleeping caught up on me and I stopped, gasping for breath.

I did not find him that day and I kept dreaming about him. ‘So this is how it feels to be in love’ I thought. My hand was all sweaty, and my heart was beating wildly and to top it all my breath was coming in short gasps. A case of heart-attack, asthma, and sweatia (if there is a disease like that) all together. I never enjoyed being sick as much as I did now.

Finally, I was in, I was riding high on the love wagon. Yipee!

I started writing poetry from the day I met him.The poem quoted below is one of em....I know Wordsworth wont be very happy with this but come on! I was in love for the first time...what do u expect?

Love Diary

I knew not his face
I knew not how he looked
But I knew I loved him from this day
And along with him my heart he took

Transition

I don’t how it happened…I don’t know when it happened and above all I don’t know why it happened. I guess it’s just that one is never satisfied with what they have and I was not happy with single hood…I mean come on! being Aunt Alice most of the time really sucks! and something inside me was aching to join the love bandwagon.

That’s when it happened, all the dreaming and imagining….and well Mere Kwaboon mai jo aaye became my favorite song. I gave a headache to all at home practicing my vocal talent, it was my attempt to try to fit into the romantic bill. My prince charming was tall, dark (not too much) and of course handsome (nothing less than Tom Cruise).

By the time I reached the 10th grade I had charted out my whole life plan. I would fall head over heels in love with Prince Charming…would have a house by the beach (no..not the Marina Beach in Chennai…probably the Hawaiian beaches)..then we would have two kids…one boy one girl…ya.. I had also decided on the order of the kids, first would be a boy then it would be a girl. Then we would live happily ever after.

Now came my task of hunting my Prince Charming, no easy task I would say…every good looking guy was a prospect. But there was a slight problem…namely me. I looked no less than an inflated balloon…and due to a hormonal overdrive I had pimples dressed all over my face. Hmmm …..would Prince Charming find me a Princess as well? I knew the answer.

What followed were years of serious inferiority complex. I could face no guy and never had the guts to even look up at any guys face. Ugly! your ugly! Is what kept ringing in my head, ignoring it had become quite a difficult task as there was always the mirror to reinforce my beliefs. So I resigned to my Aunt Alice post with disgust but the ache always remained.