He says I am dominating, egoistic and not at all practical. It hurt me when I heard all this for the first time, never realized that I was actually letting him think like this about me. I don’t care I thought what he thought. I am what I am. But somewhere deep down it did matter. It mattered because slowly I realized that he were right.
I am a hypocrite I design a set of rules applicable to everyone else except me. I told my Prince charming never to get close to a girl but I had a lot of guy friends. I told him that he should always call me whenever he wakes up and goes to sleep but I whenever he did call I was busy. Small acts but it showed my attitude. I picked up fights with him for everything from the kind of clothes he wore to the number of girls he talked to (he talked to none). He tolerated all of this. Is this called love? Was it required for him to tolerate me? Many would have told that he was a sissy, did not know how to stand up for his rights. He did not mind he was a highly principled person always thought about what he did and never tried to do anything wrong intentionally. But I did not know what my principles were . I was a amateur then, did not know what I wanted out of a relationship. I was not satisfied and I handled it all wrong.
After six years when I reflect back on those years I realized that I have not changed much. Time for me had come to a standstill as far as our relationship is concerned. And it took a lot in me to actually introspect myself to admit that yes… I was trying to dominate him and I am egoistic. The ring of those two words in my head did not feel good. I felt like a horrible human being. The reason I felt I should never listen to a man is because from what I have seen men are all dominating they treat women like mere objects and nothing more so I did not want to fall in that trap I always wanted a say in our relationship I did not realize that not only did I have a say in our relationship I was the only one saying anything!
My sense of satisfaction came when I went against everything he said. If he told me to wear a white dress I would make sure I wore a red one. If he told me to tie my hair up I would always leave it open. Mental problem you feel… I think so too. Another immaturity of mine was when it was my turn to say sorry. As you might have guessed I never did. Admitting that I was sorry meant that I had to dethrone myself and that would mean that I am now vulnerable for someone to dominate me so I kept myself away from such confessions.
He saw my wrath ..saw my anger but he never witnessed the anguish I felt after I had a fight with him. He never saw those tears, never felt that pain and never experienced the insecurity I felt when he talked to girls. I was basically a coward trying to prove my might, trying to prove that I was worthy for him and not having a clue how to do it. Dominance to me came as an escape from all the vulnerability I felt inside and the sheer helplessness that tormented me.
I have come to terms with myself and now I make a conscious effort not to do it again but how far it has worked out I need to ask him. Do you think I will ask him? Nah!
I am a hypocrite I design a set of rules applicable to everyone else except me. I told my Prince charming never to get close to a girl but I had a lot of guy friends. I told him that he should always call me whenever he wakes up and goes to sleep but I whenever he did call I was busy. Small acts but it showed my attitude. I picked up fights with him for everything from the kind of clothes he wore to the number of girls he talked to (he talked to none). He tolerated all of this. Is this called love? Was it required for him to tolerate me? Many would have told that he was a sissy, did not know how to stand up for his rights. He did not mind he was a highly principled person always thought about what he did and never tried to do anything wrong intentionally. But I did not know what my principles were . I was a amateur then, did not know what I wanted out of a relationship. I was not satisfied and I handled it all wrong.
After six years when I reflect back on those years I realized that I have not changed much. Time for me had come to a standstill as far as our relationship is concerned. And it took a lot in me to actually introspect myself to admit that yes… I was trying to dominate him and I am egoistic. The ring of those two words in my head did not feel good. I felt like a horrible human being. The reason I felt I should never listen to a man is because from what I have seen men are all dominating they treat women like mere objects and nothing more so I did not want to fall in that trap I always wanted a say in our relationship I did not realize that not only did I have a say in our relationship I was the only one saying anything!
My sense of satisfaction came when I went against everything he said. If he told me to wear a white dress I would make sure I wore a red one. If he told me to tie my hair up I would always leave it open. Mental problem you feel… I think so too. Another immaturity of mine was when it was my turn to say sorry. As you might have guessed I never did. Admitting that I was sorry meant that I had to dethrone myself and that would mean that I am now vulnerable for someone to dominate me so I kept myself away from such confessions.
He saw my wrath ..saw my anger but he never witnessed the anguish I felt after I had a fight with him. He never saw those tears, never felt that pain and never experienced the insecurity I felt when he talked to girls. I was basically a coward trying to prove my might, trying to prove that I was worthy for him and not having a clue how to do it. Dominance to me came as an escape from all the vulnerability I felt inside and the sheer helplessness that tormented me.
I have come to terms with myself and now I make a conscious effort not to do it again but how far it has worked out I need to ask him. Do you think I will ask him? Nah!
2 comments:
Whoever you are ,I just want to tell you that u seem to be a good person by heart but I guess now that u have realised the facts about yourself then why not seriously implement it? Wish you the best in life. Good Luck.
It was truly an insight about love. Good work. It's nice to know that people still do invest time in making a relationship better.Keep up the good work.
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