Keeping the LOVE alive

Easier said than done for those who have been in a ‘committed’ relationship for quite sometime would understand what I am talking about and for those who have just kick started their relationship or are ‘planning’ too… don’t bother read this. It might skew your judgment towards not being in a relationship.

I started my relationship like how any movie starts off with excitement, romance, dreamy nights, love songs are all of the paraphernalia. Initially everything was an event. The first day we went in the bus together. The first day we walked together. Hell! Even the first time he waved at me was an ‘event’. That was centuries ago.

Reality check: All that happens in the first year of your ‘love’ is like the screensaver in your computer…lasts only for seconds the moment you snap back from your joy ride the sight is ugly!

Take me for the guinea pig, I have eaten chewed and swallowed the dark shades of love and I can vouch for it that the first year of your relationship is the only honeymoon period that you will have. After that follows those small fights then big fights then catastrophes (breaking of valuable items) are not such a pleasant sight to see or experience. Now I would get into the nitty-gritty’s of a relationship with the help of a ‘Relationship curve’.

Introduction : “You’re my life darling”, “I want to be with you ALWAYS”, ”Can’t wait to see you!”, “Your in my dreams everyday”,”No problem take your time I will wait”

Growth: “Who is this girl/boy your talking to?”, “Why dint you call me in the morning”, “Do you have to fight for EVERYTHING?”, “You never told me that!”, “You lied to me!”, “Could you make it fast”

Maturity: “We don’t have to ALWAYS be together”, “Do we have to celebrate EVERY anniversary?”, “I have a match today can we postpone our date?”, “You coming or should I leave”, “Feeling sleepy talk to you later”, “Do we have to go out today?”

Decline: “Things are not working out between us”, “Your such a creep!”, “You ruined my life”, “Why the hell did I meet you”, “I met this other girl/boy”

Well if you identify yourself with any of these stages you know where you’re going! Just kidding, though it all seems to take out that magic out of love it’s not all that bad.

There are some people in this world you cannot live with and cannot live without also.

Why am I so?

He says I am dominating, egoistic and not at all practical. It hurt me when I heard all this for the first time, never realized that I was actually letting him think like this about me. I don’t care I thought what he thought. I am what I am. But somewhere deep down it did matter. It mattered because slowly I realized that he were right.

I am a hypocrite I design a set of rules applicable to everyone else except me. I told my Prince charming never to get close to a girl but I had a lot of guy friends. I told him that he should always call me whenever he wakes up and goes to sleep but I whenever he did call I was busy. Small acts but it showed my attitude. I picked up fights with him for everything from the kind of clothes he wore to the number of girls he talked to (he talked to none). He tolerated all of this. Is this called love? Was it required for him to tolerate me? Many would have told that he was a sissy, did not know how to stand up for his rights. He did not mind he was a highly principled person always thought about what he did and never tried to do anything wrong intentionally. But I did not know what my principles were . I was a amateur then, did not know what I wanted out of a relationship. I was not satisfied and I handled it all wrong.

After six years when I reflect back on those years I realized that I have not changed much. Time for me had come to a standstill as far as our relationship is concerned. And it took a lot in me to actually introspect myself to admit that yes… I was trying to dominate him and I am egoistic. The ring of those two words in my head did not feel good. I felt like a horrible human being. The reason I felt I should never listen to a man is because from what I have seen men are all dominating they treat women like mere objects and nothing more so I did not want to fall in that trap I always wanted a say in our relationship I did not realize that not only did I have a say in our relationship I was the only one saying anything!

My sense of satisfaction came when I went against everything he said. If he told me to wear a white dress I would make sure I wore a red one. If he told me to tie my hair up I would always leave it open. Mental problem you feel… I think so too. Another immaturity of mine was when it was my turn to say sorry. As you might have guessed I never did. Admitting that I was sorry meant that I had to dethrone myself and that would mean that I am now vulnerable for someone to dominate me so I kept myself away from such confessions.

He saw my wrath ..saw my anger but he never witnessed the anguish I felt after I had a fight with him. He never saw those tears, never felt that pain and never experienced the insecurity I felt when he talked to girls. I was basically a coward trying to prove my might, trying to prove that I was worthy for him and not having a clue how to do it. Dominance to me came as an escape from all the vulnerability I felt inside and the sheer helplessness that tormented me.

I have come to terms with myself and now I make a conscious effort not to do it again but how far it has worked out I need to ask him. Do you think I will ask him? Nah!